90% of our daily problems are caused by our own thoughts. How could this be? Certainly, others actions have contributed much to the emotional imbalance that we often feel when relating to others. It must be their fault that we feel this way. Right? Wrong. Here's how this works. Let's say that a teenage boy answers his cell phone at the dinner table. There is actually no emotion attached to the fact that the teenager simply brought his cell phone to the table and answered it. Now, let's assume that this teenager's parent had asked him not to bring the phone to the dinner table again nor talk on it during dinner and he did it anyway. Again, the act of bringing the phone to the table and answering it has no emotional content. What story we bring to it is different depending on our own background and circumstances leading up to it. Are you getting the picture? Our emotions are based on the stories that we make up in our heads about a particular action that has taken place. More often than not, this story is not based on just the facts of the interchange or action that just took place but rather on the story we made up about the action. This teenager's parent could tell themselves a variety of stories, depending on their frame of mind at the time. One reaction might be, "You are deliberately disobeying me by bringing your phone to the table when I've asked you not to do so. You are grounded!" Another possible reaction could be, "I see that you have brought your phone to the table after I have asked you not to but I trust that you must have a good reason." Do you see the difference in the stories they are each telling themselves?
It is important that we are aware and become conscious of the stories that we tell ourselves. This has a direct impact on how we emotionally react to stimuli.
This all seems so simple. All I have to do is pay attention to the real facts and objectively look at them. Restating the general facts without the emotion is key to healthy interchanges. Separating fact from emotion can be difficult. We all have filters that help us take in information. Choosing the correct filter to look at a situation is the answer to responding without emotional termoil. It's all about stepping back, looking at the true facts, and trying out various filters so as to see the situation from various points of view.
